It had been a week since Kevin* and I started communicating on Instagram, having originally connected on a dating app called Hinge. When he asked for my Instagram handle and not my telephone number, I thought it was odd, but obliged because the conversation was decent. Over the course of the week I learned a lot about him: his goals, his passions, his outlook on our current political landscape and where he saw himself in five years.
By most standards, he was a “good Black man”: attractive, established in his career, seemingly mentally sound and family-oriented. I was feeling the kid. He checked off all the right boxes on my list, but it’s easy to be the perfect man online or over the phone. I was ready to meet him in person to see if what I was seeing in writing was real.
One day, I asked him plainly, “When are we going out?” He typed for what seemed like forever and said “We can go on a date, but I would like to get to know you first”. That was the last time I spoke to Kevin.
I know what some of you are thinking “Damn girl, you cut him off like that? You savage!” But see, like most of you, I have been dating since I was a teenager. In that time, I’ve dated the worst of the worst and found myself in a many fucked up situations. So with 12 years of dating under my belt, I would be a fool to ignore clear warning signs.
In Kevin’s case, that sign was like a NYC billboard in Time Square reading, “Run bitch, run! This nigga wants to waste your time. Precious time you don’t have to spare!” I don’t know what the fuck these niggas thought, but I was always under the impression that the purpose of a date was to get to know someone. Otherwise, why would you go out with a complete stranger in the first place?
Just 2 months and 7 days into 2019, I am sorry to say that I have encountered far too many “Kevins” already. These men that seek to establish connections with women without properly courting them. It’s as though the concept of dating is completely foreign to men, and instead they opt for these pseudo relationships that offer them comfort and support without the “burden” of dating to lead to a committed relationship.
Well, I am here to say this: Fuck. That. Shit.
Dating is vital to establishing any type of connection. And by dating, I mean actual set appointments. You know the kind where you call a woman and invite her to a movie, dinner, a restaurant or some other place where you can both enjoy each other.
Besides the fact that when you date someone you learn about them, dating is a demonstration of the level of effort you are willing to put forth. Spending time with someone tells them that they are a priority in your life and that you are serious about building with them. Even if you all decide that a relationship is not right for you, you are doing so after giving it a fair and honest shot.
Look, I get it, dating can be intimidating. You put yourself in a vulnerable position that can lead to rejection at best and humiliation at worst. (I once went on a date where I nearly busted my ass in some heels at Cheesecake Factory fucking around with them slippery ass floors!) Even still, dating is worth the risk. You are worth the risk!
So fellas the next time you come across a young tenderoni looking like the best thing since a slice of your grandmama’s sweet potato pie, do not hit her up on no bullshit. Do not “wyd” her death. Do not DM her to death.
Ask her out on a fucking date! Show some effort. Show her that you value her time and are willing to spend your own time, effort and money to make the best impression on her.
*Names have been changed to protect the bitch-assed.