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Two Tears in Bucket: Let Becky Bawl

I was five when I first learned that white girls and tears go together like bacon and eggs. We had a spelling test and the few students who made the best grade on the test were rewarded with candy. I chose three pieces of hard candy and Elizabeth, the Becks who would become my nemesis throughout elementary school chose three Cadbury eggs. Well, after the test, we were having free time in the class. I returned to my seat to find that my candy had been opened.

Those who know me know that I live by a golden rule: DON’T TOUCH MY SHIT! I asked who had opened my candy and baby Becks proudly piped up, “I did.” I asked the obvious question, “Why did you open my candy?” With all the entitlement groomed in white children from birth, she answered, “Because I wanted to.”

Now, bitch…

I stayed calm because even as a kindergartner, I knew how to whip up a piping hot batch of revenge. I lined her Cadbury eggs on her desk and took my fist and slammed it down on each one. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Christmas came early that year because I was immediately gifted with he sweetest sound imaginable: the wailing of the Becks.

She boohooed and ran to the teacher to tell her what I’d done. When the teacher, a white woman, asked me why I’d done it, I told her about Teary Talulah opening my candy first. This teacher told me that I should have come to her instead of retaliating and that we should both apologize to each other for hurting one another’s feelings. I sat there with a look I hope said, “Fuck you and her,” even if I couldn’t use the words at five.

I learned something that day. This lesson stuck with me as much as the rules of phonics and arithmetic I also learned that year. White girls and women use their tears to disarm, guilt and escape accountability. And what children learn early they never forget. So more than 30 years later, I’ve never forgotten that lesson, and thus have never, ever given a fuck about Becky’s tears.

And though that was the first time I learned about the the tearful theatrics of Mackenzie Anne and her ilk, it wouldn’t be the last. When I was 24, a white woman I worked with lied on me. I went to her office and let her know that shit was never to happen again. She cried and pretended she was afraid I was going to hit her. The shop steward requested a meeting with me and I told her that if I was going to hit that woman, it would’ve happened, but wondered when she was going to call a meeting about the lie that woman had told on me that could’ve cost me my job.

A couple of years ago, an employee, a Becks fond of Black dick and AAVE, who reports to my husband popped slick to him. I told him to call a meeting with her and HR —  well, to be fair, I first asked him if I needed to come to the job and have a conversation with her myself — and to be prepared for the tears. I acted out the way the tears would flow and told him to be prepared for Hood Hannah to turn straight Valley Girl Veronica when the waterworks started complete with turning red and shaking. He called me after the meeting and said, “It’s like you’re psychic.”

Nope, not psychic, but like any Black woman who’s gone to school, worked with or encountered Beckzillas with any regularity, I received free crash courses and continuing education in White Women Victimhood. Nobody cries on demand like Katelynn, Trishelle and crew. Tears are their armor and their weapons.

So it was no surprise when Permit Patty, who called the police on an eight-year-old Black girl for selling water without a permit tool her disheveled hair and widow’s peak on TV crying over being called a racist and being bullied (she’s reportedly received thousands of hateful messages), I was unsurprised. It’s since come out that Allison Ettel operates a medical marijuana company…without a permit. One of Canibus Cathy’s suppliers has already vowed to cut ties with her, acknowledging that the canibus industry operates in a gray area because marijuana is still illegal at the federal level, so there’s “an unspoken rule: Don’t snitch.”

Let’s recap:

White woman overreacts to Black person doing normal shit  ✔

White woman calls her personal security force aka the police on Black person doing normal shit  ✔

White woman is found to in fact be operating a business without a permit, the same offense she found disturbing enough to call the cops on a third-grader over ✔

White woman gets clocked and appropriately dragged for activating the power of her white womanhood  ✔

White woman suffers consequences of her actions ✔

White woman cries and says she’s misunderstood ✔

'Permit Patty' Uproar: Good Samaritan Offers to Pay for 8-Year-Old's Trip to Disneyland

"Permit Patty" uproar: A good Samaritan offers to pay for an 8-year-old's trip to Disneyland. https://ietv.co/2yEmMrT

Posted by Inside Edition on Monday, June 25, 2018

Are you taking notes, class? This will all be on the next pop quiz. It may happen while doing the group project for class when Piper Leigh is confronted about not pulling her weight. It may happen in the office when Susan in accounting doesn’t process your expense reimbursement timely and feels attacked when you knock on her door to let her know your AMEX bill is due so she better not be playing with your coin. It may happen in a restaurant when Barb tries to cut in line and you let her know the line is behind you and she feels bullied. But be assured, it’s coming.

And every time it does, your response must be the same:



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Kinfolk Kollective avatar About the author: LaSha is a writer who’s obsessed with Black people. Find her work here of course, but also on Ebony, The Guardian, Essence, Salon, Everyday Feminism, Teen Vogue, HuffPo and For Harriett. She’s loves trap music & 90s R&B, watches Jeopardy faithfully and believes fried chicken is her soulmate. The clapback queen is loud and clear about loving her kids above all else and kinda digs her Yankee husband too. Anti-Blackness gives her hives. Get at her @lashawrites on Twitter.

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