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Nine Things Guaranteed to Happen at Your Family Cookout

There is nothing black people love more than cookouts. The food, the family, the games all make for a wonderful time and great memories. Now there are certain markers of any black cookout and I’m here to give you a rundown of them:

1. Your uncle will be murdering shit on the grill.


Best ribs you ever had starter kit.

Listen, black men take their grilling game very seriously. When you see Uncle Bobby in them Lee jeans and Jesus sandals with a Nokia strapped to his belt and a Newport hanging out his mouth, just know he ‘bout that grilling life. Just gon’ let Nana take out her teeth ‘cause she won’t need ‘em to eat Unc’s ribs. And believe Uncle will be talking shit the whole time he grilling. Anything else would be uncivilized.

2. Frankie Beverly & Maze’s “Before I Let Go” will be in heavy rotation.

Let me just assure you that not hearing this song at least five times at any black function is not an option. If you do not like this song, gon’ ‘head give up that black card with the quickness. In fact, if your kinfolk ain’t bumpin’ this joint at the cookout, I’m coming snatching and cutting up all of y’all black cards.

3. Your auntie and uncle will start dancing inappropriately and gross everybody out.

We get it: they’re still in love. But watching Aunt Janice and Uncle Tony grind while he palms her ass is something we can’t see. I’m gonna need y’all to either take the soft porn home or bring bleach eye drops for everybody.

4. A spades game will result in shit getting real.

It’s a well-known fact that spades is a game that’s not a game for black people. Don’t sitcho black ass down if you can’t play. I don’t care if your partner is your spouse, your mama or your pastor, they will turn on your ass quick if you cut a heart with a spade knowing good and well you got another heart in your hand. And if you’re not sure you can make them books with that ten and jack of spades, stay on the safe side and bid low. If you’re not confident you can handle the pressure, just play bones with your cousin Black.

5. Somebody will get drunk, start a fight and get their ass whooped.

I realize that everybody can’t handle their liquor, but that ain’t nobody’s problem but the person who can’t handle their liquor. If you get Heineken muscles and start talking crazy, that right hook will sober you up real quick. Ain’t nobody got time for your ignorant ass to keep running up on folks threatening them because you keep throwing ‘em back. Know your limit or get laid the fuck out.

6. A huge family secret will come out when your cousin and her mother get in a huge argument.

You know how you just be sitting there enjoying your plate and all of a sudden shit jumps off? Like your lil’ cousin just put all Aunt Cheryl’s shit on blast? Be like, “I’m sick of this shit! Why don’t you tell Daddy how you was in a motel with Uncle Harry dirty ass when he was in the hospital?” And then you stop mid-bite and look over to Aunt Cheryl’s husband to see if he pull out his shank ‘cause you know it’s about to get too real but them deviled eggs hitting on everything so you just keep eating and watching the show.

7. Your cousin with all the octaves will blow for the family and bring everybody to tears.

Listen, boo. You know you should’ve let the world hear that voice instead of going to school to be an accountant. A dream deferred. She opens her mouth and your whole soul curdles and the whole family is in an ugly cry. Damn you, Shaquan! Damn you!

8. Somebody will make her first attempt at making the potato salad and it will be an epic fail.

Much like spades, potato salad is not a game in the black family. Nobody knows how the certified potato salad maker of the family got their certification because no one remembers the first time they made it, but just know you best make your dry ass baked beans or just get some ice and sodas if you have not received the family’s stamp of approval.

9. The function will end with the Electric Slide because black tradition.

Nuff said.

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