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Bye, Becky! Why I’m Never Here For Solidarity With White Women.

We all know “the man.” We’ve been blaming him for decades for destroying our communities. I don’t disagree with blaming white men who run this country with purposely and strategically planting drugs, guns and poisonous food in the black community to keep us high, killing each other and unhealthy. Nor do I deny underfunding and overcrowding public schools in poor black neighborhoods is to maintain white supremacy by keeping our children behind in reading, writing and math. And I’m certainly never going to question the police being placed in our neighborhoods with an arsenal of weapons and instructions, expressed or implied, to treat black people as a constant and immediate threat. I hold white men responsible for all of these crimes and consider them a natural adversary to me as a black person and a woman. Yes, white men are responsible for constructing, perfecting and maintaining the system of racism, oppression, inequity and inequality known as white supremacy, but they share that burden and its spoils with a conspicuously unnamed co-conspirator: white women.

I realize that women, without regard to race, remain a marginalized group globally, but since when has being oppressed meant you cannot be an oppressor? Black men are undeniably oppressed, but still oppress black women. Gay white men are part of an oppressed group, but they’re master oppressors. So I’m always baffled, and quite frankly enraged, when white women feign solidarity with me painting themselves as innocent victims of the tyranny of white men.

They’re all too ready to be the sistas’ sisters, but history teaches me and the present confirms that white women are no sisters of mine. Surely the time for the solidarity they now seek was when their sons and husbands entered the cabins of enslaved black women, ripped their clothes and reminded them that their bodies belonged to white men. Where was their empathy and clapback then? Instead of pleading with your husbands or ordering your sons to stop, you turned your wrath to the black victims of their violent sociopathy. You abused our children conceived by rape and terrorized their mothers to massage your own ego, which was punctured by the knife of insecurity every time your husband chose to violate a black body instead of taking yours which you offered so eagerly.

And what of your feminism? You have yet to answer Sojourner’s question, “Ain’t I a Woman?” Yet, you deify Margaret Sanger hailing her as the god of the modern feminist movement while minimalizing, explaining or altogether ignoring her racist ideas and practices. You lift her up because despite how she felt about “blacks”, she was still a great champion of women’s rights. And this is why the sistas are not your sisters.

See you all look in the mirror and a see a woman because white is the default. We look in the mirror and see a black woman. And for us, race and gender are coconut and rice. When you mix the coconut of blackness with the rice of womanhood, one is indistguishable and inseparable from the other. So if you want a spoonful of my rice know that it’ll be mashed with my coconut.

Now you’ve learned to twerk and mastered those twisted mini buns (read Bantu knots) and now you wanna call me “boo” and erase the color lines between us. But you’re still calling Trayvon a thug who got what he deserved and when I mention Aiyana you think I’m mispronouncing Trump’s ex-wife’s name. Then I catch your “I’m not racist but…” disclaimer followed by paragraphs of the most disgustingly racist shit I’ve ever read. And when Beyonce twerks or Nikki curses or Rihanna lets a bitch know he better have her money or he’ll find his prized white woman in the back seat of her “brand new foreign car,” y’all go in with your think pieces about how my sistas are practicing the same misogyny that your white husbands invented. But then I see y’all going crazy about how Jennifer Lawrence was violated because she had private nude photos leaked and I’m wondering if y’all missed the ones of Gabrielle and Jill. And then you make jokes about ghetto names and hairstyles while expecting Shaniqua in her box braids to vote for Hillary despite her racist history and present because she’d represent a victory for all women when we know that she looks like you and would be a victory for you. And you think we don’t remember when Susan Smith lied and said a black man kidnapped her two white sons, and y’all racist asses jumped all over it only to find out she had murdered her own children. But the last straw – really not the last because I was born done with y’all – was when you saw a grown ass man sitting on a bikini-clad 14-year-old black girl’s back after he’d pulled her hair and body slammed her, and you responded by talking about how she and her friends crashed a fucking pool party.

Let’s be real: White women don’t want solidarity with black women. Y’all want lap dogs. You want our anatomy sans this melanin. You don’t want us playing the “race card,” but you damn sure have no problem playing the pussy card. You want us to ignore your fingers falsely pointed at our brothers, sons and husbands crying rape. We ain’t here for it. If you make us choose between coconut and rice, I guarantee we’ll be eating macaroons every time.

Now if you’re really interested in some solidarity, use that pillow talk to get your husbands to come up off them coins they owe me and mine. Bake your sons cookies and serve them with a pitcher of fresh-squeezed lemonade while you impress upon them that they are not the center of the fucking universe despite what everyone says. Then, take you daughters for some retail therapy and explain to them that they are not the Hope Diamond personified even though every magazine, movie, teacher and textbook will have them believing they’re the most precious commodity on earth. Handle all of that and then maybe – making no promises – the sistas will call you sisters.

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72 comments… add one
  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    ???? When coons attack! Girl, fuck you!

  • RayRay ,

    Wow, what a big crock of shit! Bringing up shit that happened how many years ago? Maybe I should write a dumb ass racist article about how the white man came and took my ancestors land before yours even got here! Yes, lets all talk about how hard you have it cause youre black.. Gimme a fucking break already! Were you raped by a white man? Did his wife sit back and watch? Did a white man abuse your child? I’m sick of black people lumping themselves in with their ancestors that actually dealt with the reall bullshit. What are you dealing with? Always the damn victim, but never taking responsibility for your behavior and why people *of all races, feel the way they feel about the type that call themselves “sistas”… Girl you can keep your “sisterhood” of the travelling dashiki honey cause after reading this garbage racist whoa is me story, this “sister” wouldn’t want to be lumped in with your hateful type anyways. Dumb!!

  • Reblogged this on opalescentmidnight and commented:
    I remember when I thought that feminism was inclusive of all women and civil rights movements excluded no one.

    How innocent I was. 🙁

  • shannonmurphy832249113 ,

    I’m a white woman. I’ve never done or said anything remotely racist. Reading this article made me feel shitty and defensive because it sounds like you think that I’m no better than the white women you describe just because I’m white. And you know what? That’s great! We white people could use a lesson in how that feels. I don’t like the way it feels, but I like how feeling it gives me some more of that much-needed perspective.

  • My sentiments, exactly! I could have written this!

  • Reblogged this on Fighting Misogynoir and commented:
    Great Post! White Women must be held accountable for their role in racism white supremacy plus misogynoir (anti-black misogyny) towards Black Women.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    You said it all.

  • Elle ,


    There is such a thing as an ally who’s really an oppressor in denial. Get your head out of your own ass and listen to what the sistas are telling us.

    I’m white, disabled, 2 kids, different country (Australia, so separate racial guilt but as usual, still part of the arrogant white assholes subjugating the black brothas and sistas who were here first).

    And here’s the thing: in this discussion, anything we have to say is totally and completely irrelevant. We do not drive the discussion. We do not get out a map and a tour guide. If you want to get near the bus, you can run alongside and help push if it bogs down. But that’s it.

    We won a genetic lottery. We got born white, which earns us a whole host of privileges, asked for or not. We benefit from being part of the majority, held up as idealised standards of beauty, brains, purity, family etc etc. Never be so naive as to not notice it, poor or not. You’ll never have to wonder where all the beautiful, smart people who look like you are – they’re all over the media. Black women aren’t. Right there, you notice the difference.

    If you ever want anyone to take you seriously as an ally, then wake up, shut up, and listen, truly listen, when someone is sharing their truth with you. Don’t try and relate to it, don’t compare it to yours, just listen. And when they tell you what they need from you, GO DO THAT. Don’t get creative. You’re the supporting cast, not the director. And the quicker you get used to it, the stronger we all are.

    Now get off their bus. Ffs.

    To Kemberlie and Cassdawn, thank you for taking the time to write that.

  • Your article is refreshingly real. Privilege is of course, absolutely real. I witness it every day among my peers, jokes I find offensive, adopted accents and watered down understanding of the oppression experienced daily by POC. I’m a white girl, and i’m fully aware of my ability to slip in and out of marginalization with my choices in life. People have assumed I’m a “feminist” for years aand honestly I don’t like the term, being lumped together with academics who’ve read the books but still don’t get the means. They stay stuck in some 2nd edition textbook and talk highly of the 60’s movements for equality but disregard the things happening today. It’s frustrating knowing so many people around me that discredit my voice when I bring up their appropriation, brushing it off with a laugh. I’ll keep pointing it our to them though, I’m not a feminist, i’m a human rights activist and shit needs to change.

  • chelsea ,

    This is unbelievably poignant and well written. Checked me right in my privileged white ribs. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for demanding that white women recognize not only our privilege, but our compliance in a system that abuses, ignores, rapes, and dehumanizing women of color. Damn. Round of applause.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Thanks, Karen.

  • Karen ,

    As a white woman, I have to thank the black people in my life for showing me my own privilege. For thrusting it in my face, and teaching me how to be quiet and listen. To realize that the discussion ISN’T about me, and never has been. I have been foolish and made snap judgements in the past, but I try to listen, to truly hear and understand to the best of my ability, and I try to teach those around me, to make them think and open their eyes to reality. Thank you for this piece, thank you for your passion, and thank you for speaking so others may hear.

  • Monique ,

    THANK YOU.. Like you gave “FACE” and took no prisoners.. As a 45yr old mother of three, this touched my heart.

  • Gamine ,

    Pardon me, Julio, but? There is no nation that closes its schools because the government determined the past is irrelevant. And when Germany was attacking France and France fought back, did your Great Grandfather complain those Frenchmen need to stop resisting? For the good of humanity? Ya think the French would have given a damn if the whole world disapproved?

    We, Black People, are a Sovereign Nation, stolen from the land but dirt doesn’t produce ish. The PEOPLE do, and Our DNA is Our very nonnegotiable border. We are not white people in drag, nor, if We love Ourselves (which is increasing because there’s more room on the planet for a variety of beauty standards) – if We Love Ourselves, We don’t need anyone’s approval. Just leave Us alone and get out of Our territory.

    Why is Our liberty a hindrance to your own, unless you simply don’t like a Self-Determining Black People. In which case?

    We really don’t give a damn.

    Have a nice day.

  • Kathleen Woolrich, (and any other white women who took personal offense to this enlightening article) you need to click on the link below and read the article to better understand your response to “Bye, Becky!” and why you took personal offense. It’s a “white thing.” I say this as a white woman. It’s difficult to understand what we have not experienced. Please take a few minutes and read it. It’s very enlightening. P.S. My sympathies on the Republicans screwing with your medical.


  • Becky ,

    >“it wasn’t me” – that’s not good enough.

    You got me there.

    Thank you. I appreciate the comment.

  • Becky ,

    Point taken.

  • Becky ,

    B/c I’m white and my name is Becky and I’m anti racist and having this article (seeminly) addressed to me just sucked.

  • cassdawn ,

    @Kathleen Voss Woolrich

    How does your personal story change any of this? I went back and read the post 4 times. Three times to look for where the author said that white women have no problem and the fourth just cuz it’s really good writing.

    Interestingly though the article’s points DO effect your personal story and should inspire you to fight for the humanization of black women if for no other reason than to save your OWN ASS. Social programs were initially put in place to help white families and laws obstructed black families from receiving the benefits. Eventually some smarty pants lawyers got around that. This coincided with a new narrative of black people being lazy (strangely as enslaved people they were “hard working” but once they were to be paid they became “lazy”). Soon welfare and medical benefits became a handout for the lazy black people and the mythology grew from there expanded under saint reagan — but while all this was going on white women were enjoying the payoffs of affirmative action and some of the advances that second wave feminism had wrought – so you see; this article actually explains EXACTLY why you are in the predicament you are in; you should be very angry at white feminists yourself.

    now about this “slamming every single white woman” – she didn’t do that. she said that she recognizes that you are not in solidarity with her. the very fact that not once do you seem to have heard a word of what she said she is up against and that she has spoken of ALL black women’s struggle and you have placed YOU at the center of your response?? that becky is whiteness – it’s a bitter pill to swallow but there it is. it’s not all about you.

    and by the way, do you know that there are women who are in your situation and then on top of that they also have to face racism?

    and you have rage of your own — why is that her problem? go direct your rage at the republicans who didn’t pass the medicaid expansion because they are mad there is an Nword president who might be giving benefits to uppity Nwords and they are willing to sacrifice a few disabled white women if they have to because that’s the reality – that’s the problem. if you think the author not holding your hand and singing kumbayah with you is making fuck all of a difference it isn’t. you lead the way. this society still sees you as more of a person than they see her – you fight for her and then I guarantee she’ll have your back.

    Also, this is the nicest possible response I could have for you; so I truly urge you to think about it because I know you think you are the injured party but you are not. Every single day black women have to go out into the world and generally have no one but each other. They are crapped on from every angle. And already you’ve been indulged far more than she was – she got a shitty – “you’re mean” missive from you; I’m actually trying to explain this shit to you. And now I’m getting angry with myself for it. So get out of your self pity mode for half a second and realize someone else has pain besides you — grow a heart, some compassion and maybe some critical thinking skills.

  • cassdawn ,

    oh and Becky (seriously?) before you look for a string of solidarity with me – what i don’t 100% agree with is the interpretations of margaret sanger which have been debated as to what she meant – whether she was racist or not and how much autonomy the average plantation wife had – not that she wasn’t racist; these little philosophical bits though are way over the head of someone who wants to cleanse herself of all racism.

    i was born into white supremacy – i’ve been clocking it and wrestling with it my whole life and there were certain points i fell into your thought process – “it wasn’t me” – that’s not good enough.

  • cassdawn ,

    I am a white woman and one that a few black women have actually called SIS which is fucking unusual as all hell (and by the way; before you get any ideas that always but ALWAYS comes TO you first not FROM you) and i’ve made a few trespasses against other women – in particular against black women. i keep my eye out for it all the time.

    i don’t agree with every word in here but the overarching point is the white women have not fought for black women – period. and if we have? we fucking suck at it because look where we are and look where they are; so roll up your sleeves and double down.

    so if you are a white women who has never done any of these things? you’re a fucking unicorn – rub some of that magical dust off your horn and share it around. the world could use a little magic. or at the very least fly off somewhere and stop making us all look like assholes.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    If you’ve never done ANY of these things, why defend yourself?

  • Becky ,

    I’m a white woman and I’ve never done anything remotely resembling what was written here. What can I do/say in my defense?

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Thanks, Lawanda.

  • LaWanda ,

    Thank you for sharing your perspective and pain. I’m sorry for everyone who has let you down. I hope that I have never let down any of my ladies, and that I never do. I’m a white woman, but my name is LaWanda. Most of my life, I’ve been one of the only white people in my school, in my work, etc. In all honesty, the only friends throughout my life that have always stuck by my side and been truest are my friends of colour. They’ve never betrayed me or broken my trust, and, especially in high school, they were the only ones who really accepted me as I am. I hope I always prove myself deserving, because I don’t know what I’d do without them. I would fight to the death for my friends because they are my true family.

  • Tera ,

    Thank you. I will have to reread this article and reflect on how I have put aside my feelings in order to appease white women. When in fact I shouldn’t have to sugar coat the fact that I and others like me are oppressed. It is the truth deal with it.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    You’re off to a good start. Keep listening and watching.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Awwwww…Thanks so much, sis!

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Precisely! White women expect black women to put white feelings above our own. Ain’t happening!

  • YemAna ,

    The comment from Kathleen is exactly why I do not debate with white people about race issues, although I know that wasn’t your intended purpose in writing this piece. If it does not affect them directly or is not describing of them, they seem to think that it doesn’t apply to them. They get defensive and take it as a personal attack on them as an individual. They aren’t willing to see that it is the system that they support & are a part of that is set up to oppress blacks. To them, it is an illusion because it doesn’t describe them personally, but it does describe them as a whole. I can appreciate this article & what it means for BLACK women.

  • Kiki B ,

    I love it!!!! Thanks so much for expressing your feelings. You have lifted the burden of carrying this dilemma. As a young black woman, I am released. Thank you so much.

  • I really liked how you hit on how the oppressed can be oppressors. It has proven true time and time again. Unfortunately, we see this even within our Black community. With all the problems we face from systematic racism, we don’t need to cause more problems for each other. Glad I found your blog via Black women do cloth diaper on facebook! #BWDCD 🙂

  • Lisa ,

    Yes! This ? right ? here ?!

  • Marieke ,

    This is where I’m at too! You can bet your ass I will teach my children about privilege and how to use it for good, and to not feed into the system.

    However, beyond educating myself, my children, and anyone who will listen (or my husband who has to! Bahaha!), I am in the process of figuring out what else I can *do*. I want to learn because I do believe #blacklivesmatter and that feminism should encompass the things that ALL women value and need. I would love practical ideas on this.

  • Mel ,

    Yes!!! This right here multiplied by 1,000!

  • Nihil ,

    White women’s crimes against black people in America.

    1) The white female is the overwhelming majority of public school teachers that expel and put black boys in special ed., leading them to future problems in life.
    2) White women hijacked affirmative action two years after it was instigated in 1965 and now benefit from it more than blacks – http://ideas.time.com/2013/06/17/affirmative-action-has-helped-white-women-more-than-anyone/
    3) Numerous white women have become millionaires from black American culture,(Madonna,Pink,Adele ect.) without reciprocating,(at least the white man has invented things I can use to earn a living).
    4) As you’ve mentioned white women lied on black men to get us lynched (and not forgetting many native-Americans were massacred by their words too).
    5) Margaret Sanger started planned parenthood expressly to murder unborn black people.

    This article is uncut truth and I thank you for going in on these silent demons.

  • Nikki ,

    Omg yesss im living for this article I’m so sick of black women being used and thrown away by our supposed allies. I love that you’re not here for playing mammy for white women.

  • khpraa1 ,

    Your comment is correct on so many levels. When people are harmed the guilty parties can’t debate the harm! Where African people raped? Where they brutalized? Was any restitution restored? The brutality that people suffered and endured is unmeasurable! I have always stated that if women who designate themselves as white, would raise their children with humanity this would all be a mute point! The people that we deal with that think less of us have been nurtured from childhood to adulthood! Their copulation in this crime is undeniable! My only disclaimer in your piece is the accepting of labels and identification, we are not a race any of us, someone has classified that as being real and true! It isn’t, our differences are all manufactured differences, upbringing, history, communication. We must never identify our enemies by external appearance, and always by action! Ask Malcolm , ask Fred, ask Garvey, Denmark ….. None thought their end would come through the very ones they sought to protect and help! We must change the conversation and control the verbage! Peace

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    I see you get it! Thanks, Becky. (cackling at the irony)

  • White woman here named Becky (lol). I just want you to know I hear you. As I’ve awakened to other peoples’ realities, I’ve realized just how fucking crazy it is at the amount of white women who are complicit to the white supremacy patriarch system we currently live under. Some knowing they are because they think women belong in a certain “place”. And then there are some that don’t know they are, thinking they’re fighting for equality by being feminist, but still denying all the other oppression that needs to end. I’m not sure which group is craziest, but I do know that at least a few of us reject oppression of all kinds. I will never ask for YOUR solidarity. But you do have MINE. #BlackLivesMatter #Truth

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    I do not center white feelings. If this does not apply to you, then why do you feel personally injured? Your feelings don’t change my reality. I explained and your agreement and approval are neither required or desired. #byebecky

  • I do not know where to begin. But let me start from right here in the middle. I am a 48 year old single mother suffering from congestive heart failure and lupus. My state failed to pass medicaid expansion. I have been on the front lines of fighting for it with all of my being. This aritcle while a rant completely sacks me together with every other white woman who has done wrong by people of color. I am beside you because I am in the same boat as 700000 other people in FLORIDA who are dying at the rate of 9 a day because of the republcians failure to expand medicaid and the purposeful obstruction of expansion by the GOP. I understand your feelings.. I cant relate to the rage but I have some of my own.. so much so that when I saw this posted on a facebook I just sat there and said.. HOW OLD IS SHE? Do you understand that slamming every single white woman is as bad as the opposite? We need each other and disease and illness know no color. I am sick. I am poor.. and even by white people, I find myself slammed and marginalized. Now I look around me and some how I am carrying the collective blame of everyone my color. Leave some space for those of us who have decided we need other people.. to build.. to make things happen.. I applaud your bravery.. Im puzzled by the fact you left no room for error.. for making snap judgements.. for losing people who could love you and you could love .. because we all need each other. I am glad people didnt BECKY me out of their life.. I need my friends too much.. To marginalize me because I am white is not fair. You have me no chance to fight along side of you and be with you.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    I’m always here for us. Much love, sis.

  • I love how you’ve written a straightforward piece that describes issues that we as black women face in this country. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  • Reblogged this on Much Ado About Tria and commented:
    This is deep.

  • Kemberlie ,

    During the civil rights movement black people were at the front line to get rights for all, (even though color was all that people seem to record)that included white women. But when the white women got some notice of their own they separated from black people and pronounced feminist movement nice and loud, our rights have yet to be accomplished and if white women were very simply in favor of human rights there would be no separation black rallies and feminist rallies would be one and the same. White women have used us to get equality for themselves but point at our people and condemn them as animals thugs and gangsters, if they accomplish the goals of women’s rights, black women will still have the issue of being black, u think white women will be marching in unison with black people when another one of our sons’ are killed. History tells me no. If white women could be trusted you would see their outrage when our kids are murdered and beat but instead you see George Zimmerman going home so he can abuse his girlfriend. It only takes one juror.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Appreciate it, sis!

  • Tina ,

    SISTAH, excellent read! Forwarding to my husband and daughters right now!

  • brenna ,

    i am white, but this was very refreshing and educational, thank you! we have too many becky types in feminism- i have gotten in so many arguments for even suggesting the concept of privilege. if you’re on instagram, i think you would probably get a kick out of the satirical @whitefeminists account.

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Thanks, sis!

  • Katrina ,

    All I can say is Yassss Sista…

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Glad you enjoyed!

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Thanks for the support!

  • Kinfolk Kollective avatar LaSha ,

    Thanks so much for the support!

  • L. Fortune ,

    Way to stomp down on the situation. Looking forward to hearing more from you. And thanks!

  • Jessica ,

    YES! Hell yes!

  • mhk18 ,

    Thank you for this, it was really eye opening and thought provoking. While I do not identify as white, I do acknowledge that because I’m somewhat racially ambiguous I have a lot of privilege that others do not, so I really appreciate you sharing your perspective so that maybe I can be truly supportive as an ally.

  • Thanks so much!

  • But, but damn you hit them hit and low, didnt leave them no where to go.Thank you with yo bad self!!

  • No, thank you!


  • Thanks so much!

  • Girl! I came to leave them folks on Tamar!

  • LOL! Love you back!

  • Julio, I’m not sliding us anywhere. If you know the history of this country, I have no reason to be optimistic.

  • Laura ,

    Excellent! Love it!

  • Madge Smurtz ,

    DAMN. Ain’t no edges left in the building.

  • julio ,

    I am a Cuban American not hyphenated just born there.I respect your position and agree with some of it .there is racism everywhere in the world .Mexicans are racist among themselves The elitist run the game there and they are all very white etc.
    How does social history run side by side lets say since 1800.Has there been progress since the to resolve an unresolvable issue?
    Maybe just a little bit of optimism instead of sliding all of us backwards.
    I am willing to try.

  • who are you and where have you been? i love you!

  • Clarence Manson ,

    Bravo sista, this was the most beautiful surprise to wake up to.

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