Kinfolk, I thought we were family. Y’all ain’t really my people though, ’cause not one of y’all warned me of the unadulterated Sambocity that is the BuzzFeed video “27 Questions Black People Have for Black People.” I saw the video all up and down my timeline, but I was at work, so I said, “Not today, white Jesus.” Then I almost clicked, but I said, “You won’t get me, liberal racist ass BuzzFeed.” Then I finally clicked, and I said, “Not today, Coon Consortium.”
If you dare, partake in this blackface with black faces:
So I now have some questions for
Massa’s MVPs these black people:
1. Daysha, is that you?
How soon we forget? Didn’t BuzzFeed just have you looking like a young Lil’ Richard in front of the world when a white girl did your makeup? You may have tried to bury that memory, but the internet sees and memorializes all, sis. Tootie Frootie, boo. Tootie Frootie.
2. How many coon coins did BuzzFeed add to y’all bootlicking balance for this sheer fuckery?
Unless y’all were paid a lifetime supply of Popeye’s spicy white, all of Michael Jackson’s masters and a chance to smack all the fuck out your white ass coworkers with the promise of immunity from prosecution, I can’t see it being worth it to sell your folks completely out. Y’all bounced up in there like:
3. How the fuck did they pitch this shit to y’all?
‘Cause being the angry black woman I am with turn-up tendencies and reach-for-my-shank reflexes, I can’t even begin to imagine this white ass brand approaching me and asking me to sit before a camera and be a mouthpiece for mayo musings. I would’ve been on some:
4. Who told y’all black folks had the patent on homophobia?
Now y’all not gon’ act like there’s one black ass body associated with Westboro Baptist Church. Y’all not gon’ act like Kim Davis’ white ass wasn’t the one refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. And y’all black asses most certainly ain’t gon’ act like the laws discriminating against gay and lesbian people were not enacted by a bunch of white ass Congressmen. If you don’t get the fuck…
5. Why didn’t y’all ask the other black people y’all know these coonstions?
Oh, I know why. ‘Cause Target ain’t have a basket big enough for y’all to catch all the hands that would’ve been thrown if y’all asked our black ass cousins this shit in real life.
6. Why y’all acting like we’ve never heard the same tired ass argument about using “nigga” millions of times?
Nigga, we don’t give a fuck! Ain’t nobody here for your respectability rant about how we shouldn’t call each other nigga if we don’t want white folks calling us that. Listen, I don’t give an iota of a fuck or an atom of a damn about leading by example for these cracker ass crackers. So:
7. Why BuzzFeed hang y’all out to dry?
Remember how Robin Thicke threw Pharell under the bus without a transfer when they got sued for using the Marvin Gaye sample? Remember how Justin Timberlake said “Fuck Janet!” With the quickness after Tittygate ’04? Remember how Missy Anne sold Kizzy’s black ass up the river? White folks been making us the scapegoat for their bullshit for centuries, and you motherfuckers ain’t learned shit yet! BuzzFeed looking at y’all like:
8. Who taught y’all what “monolith” meant because y’all paid panderers just sat up there bitching about us not all being the same only to turn around and ask the most stereotypical questions imaginable?
I want y’all to take whatever lil’ racist rations this video earned y’all and invest in a dictionary. But I know y’all won’t because as was so coontasticly stated in the video, black people consider being educated a bad thing.
Seriously, though, the catastrophic duplicity of this video conceptually and practically cannot be overstated. These questions weren’t meant to elicit progressive conversations or even entertain. They were meant solely to offend and demean black culture and black people. So to pretend that these black people with access to blackness through familial and community ties needed a white-owned and operated medium to talk to their own people is illustrative of the gaslighting black people contend with every moment of our existence in this country.
BuzzFeed took the sucker route. They like to bill themselves as liberal anti-racists, so in the whitest move ever, they hire black people to engage in anti-blackness for them, all under the guise of comedy. So this black woman who refuses to interrogate blackness for the white gaze has one final question for those black people who have questions for black people:
9. How long y’all gon’ coon?